Lithium Soup

Dinner.

Japanese-influenced new comfort food I've been developing. Chicken broth, soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, lemon juice (running trial now, so far so good), rice noodles, fresh chopped ginger, fresh chopped green onion, white pepper. Most important ingredient: lithium, twice daily.

This post is for my fellow mentally ill folk, and especially for my younger friends so they can avoid some of the stupid games I've played with myself over the years and maybe get their health sorted before they're in their thirties and disabled:

I am in a depressive state and, during the last few days, I'm at the point where it magnifies my PMDD. When I was like this in the past I used to be wholly unable to get out of bed save taking care of my dog. Suicidal. Locked in a dark apartment. No contact, no media. Limbs so heavy. Depression and hatred and anger so intense it would paralyze me.

Now, however, I'm on a decent lithium dose. I'm currently having trouble with my doctor/in the process of switching, and I'm nowhere near the right balance. There are still a lot of downsides. The swings are obviously still there and they, along with whichever mood state I am in, affect my ability to perform normal daily tasks.

...but the lithium deadens it a bit and kind of takes the edge off of everything. Where in the past I may have been paralyzed by depression to the point of not eating and fighting the need to go to the bathroom so I don't have to get up, I still get pretty paralyzed but can somehow manage to complete at least one decent thing a day. Today I made a couple phone calls - all later than I wanted them made - and managed this soup. Now I can add "wrote blog entry" to this list.

I know my buddies with this depressive paralysis (my term, not a real one) are either really curious as to how I've managed this or really down on themselves now because they can't do the same. To both groups I say: the only reason I can do this is because I do have a medication that works for me to at least some degree. I was always taught that the role of medication in mental illness treatment was to control a disorder enough to allow the individual to employ management techniques learned in therapy - and I can feel that concept with the lithium. I can't say that my cognitions are particularly healthy (they really, really aren't), but I've gleaned some things from my current therapy situation that at least make me stop, think, and restructure for a while.

...so, my message? Depends on the reader. Try meds. Try meds again. Tell the doc the current med isn't working. Meds are valid. You are valid.

Please excuse my lack of conclusion; this took a lot of energy and I just don't have the patience to wrap this up cleanly.