Candor Creek

Current aesthetic: 2012 Toyota RAV4 (KBB stock photo) Normally on the days that I sleep 15 hours and wake at something like 5PM I spend the day berating myself But since I was out of the apartment for close to six hours (!!!) yesterday with constant social contact, doing something extremely stressful for anyone and with various levels of success and failure, ending with a large purchase - only to come home, completely detox everything that left with me, make a full meal, and then eventually take a planned increased dose of Seroquel (which makes me drugged and stupid, especially in the AM, for a few days as I adjust) to kill the growing mania right before heading to bed - Yeah, I counted waking to and remembering that alarm as a victory and went right the hell back to sleep and feel fully justified in doing so. I do know that I can trigger anaphylaxis if the alarm is too early and, while it should have been ok, I was absolutely a fan of complete physical recovery today. I...

Another musician on drugs. It's kinda amazing what can happen when you're on (and adjusting) proper medication and are working with a competent and caring psych team that is capable of putting up with your extensive medical issues. I'm aware that most of the people reading this probably don't know that I have any musical hobbies at all save being a proud alto - but my musical inclinations were early and strong. One of my earlier memories is being just under five and figuring out the interlude to "Fool on the Hill" on the little blue recorder I had gotten at Disneyland that day. I grew up in a singing family where we'd put on the tunes and harmonize: Mom took the alto part, my sister took soprano, and I took/figured out the third part. It turned out I had perfect pitch and subsequently taught myself several instruments by ear - none well, but I had good starts. I started writing four part harmonies by high school. I unfortunately learned that these...

Thanksgiving spread at the pantry. Dear everyone in my homeroom in my high school during the late 90s: I liked food drives, and they were my favorite part of being your homeroom representative my junior year. There were two reasons, however, that I'd make a very large point of asking you to check your food dates and go out and get a few new items - maybe one can each, ones that you might like - rather than getting your parents to clean out the cupboard during our various collections. First, regardless of faith or philosophy, the "do unto others" thing is a central tenant in most of them and, as a Catholic school, this concept was never far from our eyes and ears. Beyond that, I've always believed one should treat others with respect and dignity - waitresses, cashiers, janitors - because it could be you or someone you care about in that situation someday. (What you didn't know is that, before the boxes went to local pantries or families, I sorted every box...

Photo unrelated. Just wanted to show off the pizza I'm eating today. I'm not going to be seeing the Queen biopic. So a good chunk of my 30s has been learning that I don't have to like things just because other people do. I do love to see new things and to learn, and I want to try everything possible, but the concept of just not liking something seemed somehow rude or, at the very least, detrimental to a friendship - because so much of building relationships when you move a lot is trying to seamlessly slip into an environment you clearly weren't made for. It's easier to communicate and build relationships if you appear to enjoy everything the locals do. That's one of the cental tomes of in-group bonding. Thanks, undergrad social psychology. ;) My best example of this is playing video games. Damn near everyone I interact regularly with (yes, I interact) plays video games. Apart from the occasional side scroller or a vintage title or two I have zero drive...

Current training spot. I'm experiencing the closest thing I've had to a proper outdoor autumn in four years thanks to a recent increase in meds, so I figured it was worth sharing. No geocaching or solitary hikes, of course, but I've at least been able to tolerate outdoor training with my dog underneath a pretty tree - as long as it's on a steroid day and immediately followed by a shower. No pics of Summer; she was highly stressed today and I do not believe in taking pics of stressed dogs unless it is for educational purposes. You'd think I'd be more self-conscious sitting in the middle of my apartment's courtyard with the possibility of all those neighbor eyes on me, but the goal of getting Summer comfortable is far too important to let that sort of thing slow me down. The job obliterates the paranoia. It always has.

We're starting to look like a team here. <3 I am currently in a dose adjustment for one of my mood stabilizers. This makes me oddly groggy and loopy, and sometimes by brain lurches and I drop phones or erase sections I've written - so the current entry likely is not composed to the point I wish it to be. It was a great assessment moment, though, and one I wanted to share. After becoming slightly more concerned by her continually present and fluctuating anxiety outdoors I did some further assessment and found that Summer's fits and starts of anxiousness and the trembling preceeding leaving the apartment are all actually just connected signs of sustained, chronic insecurity and fear and some lack of confidence in the management in the big, scary outdoors (the last bit is not surprising given we've only just hit the four month mark; my home is also very different from and much quieter than her others, and I am but one person in the face of Bad Things). The be...

Old friend. Something to celebrate, 13 years in the making. I've only publically alluded to this recently, but my first grad program (not the awesome one yall know about. I seldom talk about the other one) was genuinely traumatizing, to the point where there is a Sarah before that 9-month period and a Sarah after it. Sarah's already-established mental illness became genuinely crippling afterwards, affecting many things - including my performance in my next program, which still haunts me and likely always will. Among the many things affected was my ability to read. I'm not going to describe the experiences or anguish here today, but do know it was bad enough where I could not and have not read a book from cover to cover since 2005, academic or otherwise, and was seldom able to make it past the first few pages. As you'd imagine this made academics quite impossible; I left grad school after four years of rabid headbutting against the inside of my own skull due to mo...

My writing partner, from above, in a favorite position. I'm getting better at one-handed writing. Health post, but a more positive tone for those that can't handle my usual depressive bullshit. Summer cuteness for your troubles. Ah, yes, the "halfway to anaphylaxis" epipen. Rare, and opting out of it is usually a poor choice that has led to ER runs and large flares in the past. Doesn't stop me from wrestling with taking it every time, though. I was smart (?) just now and gave in to the likely inevitability of at least one Epipen in the next day or so. The reasons finally stacked up high enough: mold spike two days ago, corresponding reactivity/pre-anaphylaxis all day yesterday despite it being a steroid day and staying home (extra trips up and down the steps though), and I've now progressed to pre-anaphylaxis after eating anything or getting up off the couch to do something after a sleep cycle. Further complication: I won't have the steroid as a buf...

Not actually 4AM - it was 5. AM. It's that bewitching time of year where the temperature drops at night, and we welcome the coolness into our homes along with the smells and sounds of autumn... ...but my sequestering intensifies, as does the temperature in my home, because heat rises and stops in a closed second floor apartment. All windows remain firmly shut as they have since last snow because my body chooses to fight, with ridiculous and dangerous fervor, all of that autumnal welcoming in particular. See that tall spike? That's my worst mold allergen starting to kick in. I was blindsighted by three epi-pens in 36 hours the day after the spike. I have new tools this year. Increasing the H2 blocker (and possibly the H1 blocker) seems to be keeping me on an every-other day steroid schedule instead of a daily regimen, and my array of ice packs help when my body suddenly forgets how to regulate its temperature, which happens a lot more when trying to do things in an...

This is a crappy picture. BUT - After today's doctor appointment and all of the exposures therein I was overheated, sweaty, gross, and reacting - and that state plus the sun and the hot and the sharp in the physical world left me so agitated and overwhelmed that I went straight home with the sole goal of Comfort. Just - I needed the ride to STOP and only have pleasant and softness and coolness and tank tops and fleeces and air conditioning and nothing else but Summer's and my Comforts would matter today. I could do NOTHING else until some basic needs were attended to. So I got home and locked door and Summer out and tank top and AC and cool water and soft background music and fleece half-cocoon and scratch Summer's chest and glasses off and clouds came in and we napped through the afternoon. ...and when I finally roused to the point of actually waking I glanced over to see this. What you are looking at is a Beardie that doesn't like baring her underside laying ...

When I was a kid I used to daydream about what dogs I'd get and what I would name them instead of weddings and such. Storm's naming was an interesting process: a series of happy accidents and coincidences (his rescue story + my lifelong desire to name a dog after a weather-based event + the perfect song for a show name) sort of designed the whole package for me. I went to meet him with a few call names in mind and new exactly what I was going with within five minutes of seeing him. The song I linked has been one of my very favorites since childhood. I do not have the words right now to describe what it does to my brain or my chest when it comes on. I think I might name my next Beardie after it. It's a very Beardie tune, actually. I've got a great call name for a male, but I'm still struggling to find a female call name I like. The obvious is Luna but, my God, I've known so many Lunas. There's the whole MLP thing, too, and just... I dunno. Doesn...

Minus one. You will have to excuse some of the choppiness of this post. I wanted to reserve my blog for more polished writings but, as you will see, my life is a bit fragmented right now. I could say something poetic about the style mimicing my fractured life, but I pride myself in being honest: I just haven't the gumption to make this a proper piece due largely to mental illness. Storm, my 13-year-old bearded collie, companion, teammate, and roommate, passed on Thursday, January 11, 2018 sometime in the 4PM hour. His poor little body just couldn't take all of those chronic health issues anymore. He let me know that he was ready on Monday the 8th after I had hung up with the vet. He went as comfortably as he could, laying on the comforter he fell asleep on as I drove him home for the first time, with his shaggy head in my hands as I layed in front of him. The last command I gave him was "down". Storm was my world and, despite nearly three weeks in an empty ap...

A homeowner's declaration during Hurricane Katrina. Image from here . I live streamed Hurricane Harvey coverage nearly all day today. I couldn't help it - I'm a weather nerd anyway, but I also have some pretty distinct memories of Hurricane Katrina and I found myself instantly transported backwards about twelve years after tuning in.  ABC 13 out of Houston is doing a fantastic job of getting information and resources out to their community and of showing those of us in other parts of the country exactly what is going on down there. As I watched interview upon interview with people just pulled out of their homes it became frighteningly clear that we were dealing with another Katrina. There was one shockingly clear difference in the interviews this time around, however. Once in a while - and increasingly - a dog's bark would split the air or the camera would pan on people cradling their pets. Animals were part of the developing story. Many of those rescued...