I'm Not Gonna Crack

Another musician on drugs.

It's kinda amazing what can happen when you're on (and adjusting) proper medication and are working with a competent and caring psych team that is capable of putting up with your extensive medical issues.

I'm aware that most of the people reading this probably don't know that I have any musical hobbies at all save being a proud alto - but my musical inclinations were early and strong. One of my earlier memories is being just under five and figuring out the interlude to "Fool on the Hill" on the little blue recorder I had gotten at Disneyland that day. I grew up in a singing family where we'd put on the tunes and harmonize: Mom took the alto part, my sister took soprano, and I took/figured out the third part. It turned out I had perfect pitch and subsequently taught myself several instruments by ear - none well, but I had good starts. I started writing four part harmonies by high school.

I unfortunately learned that these skills were not valuable at least and annoying or inappropriate in general, so I quickly shut down everything save choir when I could manage it. I still had most of my instruments, of course - the guitar came to college with me because I didn't trust it to not get damaged otherwise - but I would not play because I had no time to myself and didn't want anyone to hear. By the time I hit grad school the idea of playing had been suppressed to the point of not even thinking about music. Thankfully I eventually reached out to the music department and had a wonderful, life-changing choral experience, but very sadly had to leave it behind when I became too ill to finish my program.

That was ten years ago and for seven and a half of those years I was in an environment where I was either uncomfortable or disallowed from experiencing much of my music. Recently I realized that I had become a non-musical being and how unhealthy that was for me. No CDs, no radio, little singing. Worse, I started crying when I heard any music, which is something my grandmother used to do. I was NOT about to wind up like that, so for about three months I've been making an effort to get as much music in my life as possible.

Getting my mood more stabilized has helped immensely with this; you can imagine how deeply someone with bipolar disorder feels music when one thinks of how a healthy individual experiences it. I started slow, just throwing on music instead of YouTube and using music apps in the car. As my mood stabilized I started singing a bit more. I recently started one of my little projects where I pick a band I want to know about and form a full on obsession about them (this time? Queen).

The gold event, however, was gonna be picking up an instrument again - and, specifically, my guitar. It's a full nylon-stringed Yamaha that I got as a high school graduation present after teaching myself on a cheap one that fell out of tune every five minutes. My mom took me to the music store to pick one out and the guys there were so tickled that I was tuning all of their guitars by ear that they threw in the case and the stand for free. It proudly sits in that case on that stand in the living room - I refuse to hide it anymore - but I never play it because all the baggage that came with it was overwhelming.

We've slowly been increasing my depakote while leaving the lithium alone and I've been learning some techniques to better handle my thoughts and emotions with this psychopharmalogical help. I've found my non-PMDD weeks far more tolerable, which is a first in over 20 years of treatment. I'm actually getting things done. A week after my last dose adjustment, for example, I picked up the guitar for the first time in ten years.

My fingers are fatter, my lap's a bit smaller, and playing is slightly weirder because of the lasting damage from the time mania made me put a kitchen knife through my hand - but it felt real good, man.