It's Late, It's Late

Not for show.

I did a thing tonight.

Despite the PMDD it was a really good brain day today. I was a particularly ineffective shepherd yesterday due to the afforementioned mood instability, so I decided that the only reason I'd leave the apartment today was to do lovely things with Summer. She and I went to a park and geocached, then visited our fave pet supply store for a Big Treat. She's halfway through a deep brush. We even got her license sorted for the year.

All of this is pretty amazing on it's own, but the fact that I got the guitar out on top of that is unprecedented. I actually haven't played for ten years and I certainly haven't played after accidentally driving a knife into my hand while manic and doing sonething stupid in the kitchen. That little stint required surgery and, after fixing two severed ligaments and two severed nerves, I was left with near-normal movement but permanent nerve damage and some grip weakness. The good news: it should not affect guitar playing, which was a main concern for me despite not having played for so long. I am, however, woefully out of practice - and my fingers are a lot fatter than they used to be. I think if I concentrate on some stretches and exercises when the MCAS swelling and cracking lets me I'll be fine.

Surgical scar by my pinkie and ring finger on my scaly (thanks MCAS) left hand. No knives while manic, kids.

It wasn't the dumb move in the kitchen that kept me from playing, though - it was the bit about the ten year mark I mentioned above combined with the usual mental illness. This summer marks ten years since I had to leave grad school due to being so dreadfully mentally ill along with some financial issues, and that is not an event I've been able to integrate or make peace with or get over or any of the other options that don't lead to one slowly becoming more and more bitter. In addition, I actually had to move back home at that time which was not the healthiest situation either. I did not feel comfortable doing many things, and two of those were singing and playing my guitar. Even after moving out those and most hurdles remained.

I think my pharmaceutical treatment for bipolar is helping quite a bit more than it ever has before, and that's why I have been getting over some of those hurdles that have been in place for so long. I had that amazing step with the book reading in October (which I've unfortunately fallen behind on) but finally getting the guitar out and catching myself singing again are similarly healthy.

I don't have an ending for this. It's 5AM, this was a potentially long update with themes that needed to be recorded, it was too long for Facebook, and I haven't written here in two months due to mood and simply being uninspired.