Candor Creek

This is a crappy picture. BUT - After today's doctor appointment and all of the exposures therein I was overheated, sweaty, gross, and reacting - and that state plus the sun and the hot and the sharp in the physical world left me so agitated and overwhelmed that I went straight home with the sole goal of Comfort. Just - I needed the ride to STOP and only have pleasant and softness and coolness and tank tops and fleeces and air conditioning and nothing else but Summer's and my Comforts would matter today. I could do NOTHING else until some basic needs were attended to. So I got home and locked door and Summer out and tank top and AC and cool water and soft background music and fleece half-cocoon and scratch Summer's chest and glasses off and clouds came in and we napped through the afternoon. ...and when I finally roused to the point of actually waking I glanced over to see this. What you are looking at is a Beardie that doesn't like baring her underside laying ...

When I was a kid I used to daydream about what dogs I'd get and what I would name them instead of weddings and such. Storm's naming was an interesting process: a series of happy accidents and coincidences (his rescue story + my lifelong desire to name a dog after a weather-based event + the perfect song for a show name) sort of designed the whole package for me. I went to meet him with a few call names in mind and new exactly what I was going with within five minutes of seeing him. The song I linked has been one of my very favorites since childhood. I do not have the words right now to describe what it does to my brain or my chest when it comes on. I think I might name my next Beardie after it. It's a very Beardie tune, actually. I've got a great call name for a male, but I'm still struggling to find a female call name I like. The obvious is Luna but, my God, I've known so many Lunas. There's the whole MLP thing, too, and just... I dunno. Doesn...

The chocolate I'd be eating... if I wasn't in a flare. :( I have the clarity right now, so I'm talking about a difficult topic. It's one of those mini-essays I write that sometimes stops me from getting sicker, and I need all the help I can get right now. The PMS/PMDD is right on time, which is actually a giant, relieving sign that I may be headed out of this flare soon. The second half of a cycle is always more reactive for many women, both for allergies and MCAS. Being a very rare two weeks late in Jan/Feb (!!!) due to the stress of losing my dog made me super reactive and directly resulted in my current MCAS flare and prolonged recovery. ...but it also means that the Monster is back, and I hate, fight, and fear her. I'm now laying here, still recovering, with this constant psychic pain, this rage. It's physical.  It's in my chest and arms and shoulders. I actually twitch. The emotion always comes first, and it quickly wraps itself around any nea...

Two (of many) drugs. Two stories. One really long post. These are just two of my medications. The one on the left costs about $105 each month; the one on the right is up to about $125 each month, both including standard shipping. That is over ONE QUARTER of my total income - disability and social security - each month. Before toilet paper, gas for the car, cleaning products, utilities - these need to be purchased or I will be nearly as sick as I was back when I had to live in a camper in my mother's driveway, bedridden. Many (healthy) people assumed that the health care acts during the Obama years would make life so much better; everyone would have coverage, meds would be so much cheaper, happy utopia. For eight years I and many other chronically ill Americans knew that that simply would not be the case. Yes, there were absolutely improvements that so many people benefitted from - myself included toward the end there, and I continue to benefit - but healthy people as a w...

Yo. A writer decides to write - and show off a gross, fat, stinky selfie ...so today is Rare Disease Day, which is a day to promote awareness for the weird little disorders that you see on TLC specials or read about in a Facebook forward between memes. Some are rare because they are new; others are not common due to their genetic nature. All are misfits in medical science, and most people that suffer from any one of them have facets to their diseases that people that suffer from more common disorders simply do not have to think about. Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) is currently classified as a rare disease due to its newness. It was finally named as a condition in 2007 and given official diagnostic criteria in 2010. It is hypothesized that it is far more widespread than the data currently reflect. Seeking treatment and care for a disorder that is this new is difficult at best - and life-threatening at worst. When I saw the #ShowYourRare tag I was kinda iffy on doing anyt...

Minus one. You will have to excuse some of the choppiness of this post. I wanted to reserve my blog for more polished writings but, as you will see, my life is a bit fragmented right now. I could say something poetic about the style mimicing my fractured life, but I pride myself in being honest: I just haven't the gumption to make this a proper piece due largely to mental illness. Storm, my 13-year-old bearded collie, companion, teammate, and roommate, passed on Thursday, January 11, 2018 sometime in the 4PM hour. His poor little body just couldn't take all of those chronic health issues anymore. He let me know that he was ready on Monday the 8th after I had hung up with the vet. He went as comfortably as he could, laying on the comforter he fell asleep on as I drove him home for the first time, with his shaggy head in my hands as I layed in front of him. The last command I gave him was "down". Storm was my world and, despite nearly three weeks in an empty ap...

Dinner. Japanese-influenced new comfort food I've been developing. Chicken broth, soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, lemon juice (running trial now, so far so good), rice noodles, fresh chopped ginger, fresh chopped green onion, white pepper. Most important ingredient: lithium, twice daily. This post is for my fellow mentally ill folk, and especially for my younger friends so they can avoid some of the stupid games I've played with myself over the years and maybe get their health sorted before they're in their thirties and disabled: I am in a depressive state and, during the last few days, I'm at the point where it magnifies my PMDD. When I was like this in the past I used to be wholly unable to get out of bed save taking care of my dog. Suicidal. Locked in a dark apartment. No contact, no media. Limbs so heavy. Depression and hatred and anger so intense it would paralyze me. Now, however, I'm on a decent lithium dose. I'm currently having troubl...