Candor Creek

Thanksgiving spread at the pantry. Dear everyone in my homeroom in my high school during the late 90s: I liked food drives, and they were my favorite part of being your homeroom representative my junior year. There were two reasons, however, that I'd make a very large point of asking you to check your food dates and go out and get a few new items - maybe one can each, ones that you might like - rather than getting your parents to clean out the cupboard during our various collections. First, regardless of faith or philosophy, the "do unto others" thing is a central tenant in most of them and, as a Catholic school, this concept was never far from our eyes and ears. Beyond that, I've always believed one should treat others with respect and dignity - waitresses, cashiers, janitors - because it could be you or someone you care about in that situation someday. (What you didn't know is that, before the boxes went to local pantries or families, I sorted every box...

Photo unrelated. Just wanted to show off the pizza I'm eating today. I'm not going to be seeing the Queen biopic. So a good chunk of my 30s has been learning that I don't have to like things just because other people do. I do love to see new things and to learn, and I want to try everything possible, but the concept of just not liking something seemed somehow rude or, at the very least, detrimental to a friendship - because so much of building relationships when you move a lot is trying to seamlessly slip into an environment you clearly weren't made for. It's easier to communicate and build relationships if you appear to enjoy everything the locals do. That's one of the cental tomes of in-group bonding. Thanks, undergrad social psychology. ;) My best example of this is playing video games. Damn near everyone I interact regularly with (yes, I interact) plays video games. Apart from the occasional side scroller or a vintage title or two I have zero drive...

Current training spot. I'm experiencing the closest thing I've had to a proper outdoor autumn in four years thanks to a recent increase in meds, so I figured it was worth sharing. No geocaching or solitary hikes, of course, but I've at least been able to tolerate outdoor training with my dog underneath a pretty tree - as long as it's on a steroid day and immediately followed by a shower. No pics of Summer; she was highly stressed today and I do not believe in taking pics of stressed dogs unless it is for educational purposes. You'd think I'd be more self-conscious sitting in the middle of my apartment's courtyard with the possibility of all those neighbor eyes on me, but the goal of getting Summer comfortable is far too important to let that sort of thing slow me down. The job obliterates the paranoia. It always has.

We're starting to look like a team here. <3 I am currently in a dose adjustment for one of my mood stabilizers. This makes me oddly groggy and loopy, and sometimes by brain lurches and I drop phones or erase sections I've written - so the current entry likely is not composed to the point I wish it to be. It was a great assessment moment, though, and one I wanted to share. After becoming slightly more concerned by her continually present and fluctuating anxiety outdoors I did some further assessment and found that Summer's fits and starts of anxiousness and the trembling preceeding leaving the apartment are all actually just connected signs of sustained, chronic insecurity and fear and some lack of confidence in the management in the big, scary outdoors (the last bit is not surprising given we've only just hit the four month mark; my home is also very different from and much quieter than her others, and I am but one person in the face of Bad Things). The be...

Old friend. Something to celebrate, 13 years in the making. I've only publically alluded to this recently, but my first grad program (not the awesome one yall know about. I seldom talk about the other one) was genuinely traumatizing, to the point where there is a Sarah before that 9-month period and a Sarah after it. Sarah's already-established mental illness became genuinely crippling afterwards, affecting many things - including my performance in my next program, which still haunts me and likely always will. Among the many things affected was my ability to read. I'm not going to describe the experiences or anguish here today, but do know it was bad enough where I could not and have not read a book from cover to cover since 2005, academic or otherwise, and was seldom able to make it past the first few pages. As you'd imagine this made academics quite impossible; I left grad school after four years of rabid headbutting against the inside of my own skull due to mo...

Walk stress giving way to homecoming relief. Here's a long post for the Summer/canine behavior fan club. I cannot overstate how much I enjoy working a dog like Summer. Unpacking baggage and refolding everything with a dog is such a wonderful process - and it's so much more amazing and enriching when they're your own. Guiding them to their potential is magic. She threw me an interesting curveball this week: as soon as the weather changed a few days ago she became a fearful, trembling, disorganized mess anytime she was outdoors or we were getting ready to go out. We're back to crouching and zigzagging and sudden surges and cutting me off and refusing to go to the bathroom. It's a pretty spectacular reaction, and worrisome for her well-being. She comes from a comparable climate, so that alone should not be an issue. She now seems to be particularly scared of one area along our walk that we only cross into half the time, and the only possible oddity I can thin...

My writing partner, from above, in a favorite position. I'm getting better at one-handed writing. Health post, but a more positive tone for those that can't handle my usual depressive bullshit. Summer cuteness for your troubles. Ah, yes, the "halfway to anaphylaxis" epipen. Rare, and opting out of it is usually a poor choice that has led to ER runs and large flares in the past. Doesn't stop me from wrestling with taking it every time, though. I was smart (?) just now and gave in to the likely inevitability of at least one Epipen in the next day or so. The reasons finally stacked up high enough: mold spike two days ago, corresponding reactivity/pre-anaphylaxis all day yesterday despite it being a steroid day and staying home (extra trips up and down the steps though), and I've now progressed to pre-anaphylaxis after eating anything or getting up off the couch to do something after a sleep cycle. Further complication: I won't have the steroid as a buf...

Not actually 4AM - it was 5. AM. It's that bewitching time of year where the temperature drops at night, and we welcome the coolness into our homes along with the smells and sounds of autumn... ...but my sequestering intensifies, as does the temperature in my home, because heat rises and stops in a closed second floor apartment. All windows remain firmly shut as they have since last snow because my body chooses to fight, with ridiculous and dangerous fervor, all of that autumnal welcoming in particular. See that tall spike? That's my worst mold allergen starting to kick in. I was blindsighted by three epi-pens in 36 hours the day after the spike. I have new tools this year. Increasing the H2 blocker (and possibly the H1 blocker) seems to be keeping me on an every-other day steroid schedule instead of a daily regimen, and my array of ice packs help when my body suddenly forgets how to regulate its temperature, which happens a lot more when trying to do things in an...

Among the crates. I use three crates. The first is the black wire drop-pin crate that is a permanent fixture in my home - even if a dog is comfortable loose while I am away. This is treated as a sanctuary, used as a spot to let that den instinct kick in, and my dogs have generally been comfortable going in there to snooze from time to time. It was fully taken apart, scrubbed, and cleaned before Summer came home; while I am sure I didn't get all traces of Storm off of it I wanted to get as much "stressed geriatric" smell off of it as I could. That's important. If you lock your dog in a crate that smells like the built-up panted saliva of a stressed, dementia-suffering geriatric they can smell that and may take cues from it, expecting something terrible to happen to them. The drop-pin construction sucks to put together but it's so much easier to clean fully in this situation. The Workhorse. The second crate is a soft-sided crate with hollow metal tube fr...

Behold: Summer's video premiere. Initially I was going to just post this without explanation on my Facebook and call it a day (I have not been in a writing or, indeed, communicating mood as of late) but I realized that this was an exquisite teaching moment. The video itself is about 15 seconds long, but it packs a lot of lessons into a tiny space. Below I will briefly discuss guarding behavior and the role of this particular exercise and, finally, how the activity can be used to cultivate trust and enhance bond. WARNING: below I will be discussing, but not coaching, an exercise that could be dangerous in certain situations and result in injury to a person if not properly coached or supervised by a behaviorist. What is written below is NOT personalized advice and should not be taken as such. The video above shows me doing an exercise with Summer (my three-year-old rehome, home for nearly two months now) and her favorite plaything. The reason I am making a point of doing it is...

Chillin'. About a month ago, a week after bringing her home, I tried a plug-in pheromone product for Summer with the aim of relieving at least some of her overall anxiety while I walked her through her new home, surroundings, and schedule. After a few days of use I thought I saw some evidence that it was taking the slightest edge off of it but I couldn't say for sure whether it was due to the product or simple passage of time with continued training and support. I left it plugged in and kept notes. The vial was due for a change on Monday. Over the past few days I thought she was getting a little more hypervigilant but, really, it was just subtle stuff that one would only have a hope of seeing if one spent their days with her. Noises on TV or bangs elsewhere in the apartment building started interrupting her rest again, causing her to lift her head in alarm (but not jump as she had at first). Her movement patterns changed slightly. This morning she seemed just slightly ...

Stressed Summer. Laying flat, body tense/quaking. Head lowered more than usual. Quick pant with slightly pulled lips. Base of tail clamped down. Hyper alert with tendency to avoid gaze. Movements quick. For the new folk: before I got sick I was a dog trainer and, most importantly here, a freelance canine behaviorist (B.S. in psychology, graduate studies in both behavior and cognition) for about 14 years. This means that when people were faced with a behavioral issue in their dog - a fear, a bite, a bark - I'd go into their home, assess the situation, help them understand what was going on, and teach them how to fix the problem. I loved it. The best part was knowing that you'd walk in and most likely be putting a family back together. It's a powerful experience. It has been suggested to me that I start writing some of my dog tips out. This is my first attempt in many years. Today is the Fourth of July, so this first post is some quick and dirty information about help...

This is a crappy picture. BUT - After today's doctor appointment and all of the exposures therein I was overheated, sweaty, gross, and reacting - and that state plus the sun and the hot and the sharp in the physical world left me so agitated and overwhelmed that I went straight home with the sole goal of Comfort. Just - I needed the ride to STOP and only have pleasant and softness and coolness and tank tops and fleeces and air conditioning and nothing else but Summer's and my Comforts would matter today. I could do NOTHING else until some basic needs were attended to. So I got home and locked door and Summer out and tank top and AC and cool water and soft background music and fleece half-cocoon and scratch Summer's chest and glasses off and clouds came in and we napped through the afternoon. ...and when I finally roused to the point of actually waking I glanced over to see this. What you are looking at is a Beardie that doesn't like baring her underside laying ...

When I was a kid I used to daydream about what dogs I'd get and what I would name them instead of weddings and such. Storm's naming was an interesting process: a series of happy accidents and coincidences (his rescue story + my lifelong desire to name a dog after a weather-based event + the perfect song for a show name) sort of designed the whole package for me. I went to meet him with a few call names in mind and new exactly what I was going with within five minutes of seeing him. The song I linked has been one of my very favorites since childhood. I do not have the words right now to describe what it does to my brain or my chest when it comes on. I think I might name my next Beardie after it. It's a very Beardie tune, actually. I've got a great call name for a male, but I'm still struggling to find a female call name I like. The obvious is Luna but, my God, I've known so many Lunas. There's the whole MLP thing, too, and just... I dunno. Doesn...

The chocolate I'd be eating... if I wasn't in a flare. :( I have the clarity right now, so I'm talking about a difficult topic. It's one of those mini-essays I write that sometimes stops me from getting sicker, and I need all the help I can get right now. The PMS/PMDD is right on time, which is actually a giant, relieving sign that I may be headed out of this flare soon. The second half of a cycle is always more reactive for many women, both for allergies and MCAS. Being a very rare two weeks late in Jan/Feb (!!!) due to the stress of losing my dog made me super reactive and directly resulted in my current MCAS flare and prolonged recovery. ...but it also means that the Monster is back, and I hate, fight, and fear her. I'm now laying here, still recovering, with this constant psychic pain, this rage. It's physical.  It's in my chest and arms and shoulders. I actually twitch. The emotion always comes first, and it quickly wraps itself around any nea...

Two (of many) drugs. Two stories. One really long post. These are just two of my medications. The one on the left costs about $105 each month; the one on the right is up to about $125 each month, both including standard shipping. That is over ONE QUARTER of my total income - disability and social security - each month. Before toilet paper, gas for the car, cleaning products, utilities - these need to be purchased or I will be nearly as sick as I was back when I had to live in a camper in my mother's driveway, bedridden. Many (healthy) people assumed that the health care acts during the Obama years would make life so much better; everyone would have coverage, meds would be so much cheaper, happy utopia. For eight years I and many other chronically ill Americans knew that that simply would not be the case. Yes, there were absolutely improvements that so many people benefitted from - myself included toward the end there, and I continue to benefit - but healthy people as a w...

Yo. A writer decides to write - and show off a gross, fat, stinky selfie ...so today is Rare Disease Day, which is a day to promote awareness for the weird little disorders that you see on TLC specials or read about in a Facebook forward between memes. Some are rare because they are new; others are not common due to their genetic nature. All are misfits in medical science, and most people that suffer from any one of them have facets to their diseases that people that suffer from more common disorders simply do not have to think about. Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) is currently classified as a rare disease due to its newness. It was finally named as a condition in 2007 and given official diagnostic criteria in 2010. It is hypothesized that it is far more widespread than the data currently reflect. Seeking treatment and care for a disorder that is this new is difficult at best - and life-threatening at worst. When I saw the #ShowYourRare tag I was kinda iffy on doing anyt...

Minus one. You will have to excuse some of the choppiness of this post. I wanted to reserve my blog for more polished writings but, as you will see, my life is a bit fragmented right now. I could say something poetic about the style mimicing my fractured life, but I pride myself in being honest: I just haven't the gumption to make this a proper piece due largely to mental illness. Storm, my 13-year-old bearded collie, companion, teammate, and roommate, passed on Thursday, January 11, 2018 sometime in the 4PM hour. His poor little body just couldn't take all of those chronic health issues anymore. He let me know that he was ready on Monday the 8th after I had hung up with the vet. He went as comfortably as he could, laying on the comforter he fell asleep on as I drove him home for the first time, with his shaggy head in my hands as I layed in front of him. The last command I gave him was "down". Storm was my world and, despite nearly three weeks in an empty ap...

Dinner. Japanese-influenced new comfort food I've been developing. Chicken broth, soy sauce, rice wine vinegar, lemon juice (running trial now, so far so good), rice noodles, fresh chopped ginger, fresh chopped green onion, white pepper. Most important ingredient: lithium, twice daily. This post is for my fellow mentally ill folk, and especially for my younger friends so they can avoid some of the stupid games I've played with myself over the years and maybe get their health sorted before they're in their thirties and disabled: I am in a depressive state and, during the last few days, I'm at the point where it magnifies my PMDD. When I was like this in the past I used to be wholly unable to get out of bed save taking care of my dog. Suicidal. Locked in a dark apartment. No contact, no media. Limbs so heavy. Depression and hatred and anger so intense it would paralyze me. Now, however, I'm on a decent lithium dose. I'm currently having troubl...